To be honest, this should come as no surprise to many that I am constantly fighting a battle with myself. I am not bi-polar, manic depressive and I don’t have multiple personalities. It rages on every day I breathe and never seems to cease. In my head and my heart I am in conflict. At times I cannot control what I think or do, and at times I am in complete control of my faculties. The mere duality of what goes on in my life is remarkable. And then enters the Hulk reference.
Dr. Banner got zapped by Gamma rays and now is two beings in one. The smart and meek Dr. Banner and the massive, super strong and enraged Incredible Hulk. But I know when I do things I shouldn’t and that causes me grief, angst and regret. These are like bricks I carry on a daily basis and they never go away, and never get lighter and I always seem to get more and more of them. This is the burden I carry and live with. If I could I would never let anyone see my pain. Like Banner, I don’t want to become what I am, or do the things I have done. I want to be more than I am.
And also for years I have struggled with depression and anxiety. With some medication I have controlled them, but not all the time. My aim is to get off meds and deal with these issues naturally and in the best of health. I am working on these even now.
I was asked recently what I really want to do. I replied, what? Like do I have a dream place? I do. I may have not shared this with anyone before. So here goes.
My ‘dream place’ would be up in the mountains, self sufficient and off-the-grid. Living without the stress of a rat race. No crowds, time to fish and read. Very peaceful. If anyone remembers a TV show called Airwolf, but the main character(Stringfellow Hawke) had such a home. So there it is.